a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
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Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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