He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
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there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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