I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
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you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
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the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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