I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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