Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
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it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
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You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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