i think my mom watched the whole time
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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