I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
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we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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