Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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