My underwear smells like fireworks.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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