You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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