Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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