swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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