My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
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He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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