One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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