had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize