i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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