Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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