meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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