the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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