...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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