I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do herpes really smell.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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