my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize