We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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