the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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