My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize