I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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