I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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