trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish life had little blips of pornography
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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