Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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