your parents love me but you hate me
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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