i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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