i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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