I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize