I don't usually arrange sex via text message
wrigley field is MILF paradise
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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