I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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