Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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