Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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