If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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