woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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