chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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