he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
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Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
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i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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