Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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