I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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