Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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