I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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