Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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