The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
porn star boner night. come get it.
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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