I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
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I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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