i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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