i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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